1 00:01:00,600 --> 00:01:01,719 BOOBS 2 00:01:06,920 --> 00:01:08,239 BIG BOOBS 3 00:01:49,480 --> 00:01:51,879 Peter ! You have risen ! 4 00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:57,400 God, man, this is my area. You just opened a wall of my bedroom. 5 00:01:58,000 --> 00:02:00,840 Even when you're wearing pants I can see you dick. 6 00:02:02,040 --> 00:02:03,280 What do you want ? 7 00:02:03,359 --> 00:02:05,719 It's not about what I want, it's about what I need, 8 00:02:05,799 --> 00:02:08,479 which is a conversation with you, man. 9 00:02:08,560 --> 00:02:11,319 What is the point of us having this communal existence 10 00:02:11,400 --> 00:02:13,479 if I have no one to commune with ? 11 00:02:13,560 --> 00:02:16,479 Pete, where are you all the time ? 12 00:02:16,560 --> 00:02:19,639 You're working or something, out all night. 13 00:02:19,719 --> 00:02:23,080 You're sleeping or resting or something all day. 14 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:27,520 I'm sorry, I work, yes, at night. And then I'm out late. 15 00:02:27,599 --> 00:02:30,719 It's not like I'm partying. I'm doing... I'm following my dream. 16 00:02:30,800 --> 00:02:33,759 And then I don't have time to come home and also be your best friend. 17 00:02:33,840 --> 00:02:36,520 We can't have an old couples' argument, man. 18 00:02:36,599 --> 00:02:38,919 You have to pull your weight. 19 00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:41,319 You fucked my wife. 20 00:02:41,400 --> 00:02:45,280 Yes. I fucked your wife, but that doesn't help pay the bills. 21 00:02:45,360 --> 00:02:48,280 Believe me, I wish it did, but we gotta work. 22 00:02:54,520 --> 00:02:55,879 Uh, what do you want to mix in ? 23 00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:59,159 Oh, uh, let's uh, let's put some gummy bears in there. 24 00:02:59,520 --> 00:03:01,759 Chocolate and gummy bears, ok. 25 00:03:02,360 --> 00:03:04,639 You're... you're good at this. 26 00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,159 - Thanks. - There you go. 27 00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:11,719 Oh, please, no thank you. 28 00:03:12,919 --> 00:03:16,360 If you tip, it's a whole thing. We have to do like a song. 29 00:03:16,439 --> 00:03:18,199 Well, I'll leave it there. 30 00:03:18,520 --> 00:03:21,439 Oh, guys, we got a tip ! Come on. 31 00:03:21,520 --> 00:03:24,960 First we peel bananas, peel, peel bananas. 32 00:03:25,039 --> 00:03:27,960 Then we slice bananas, slice, slice bananas. 33 00:03:28,039 --> 00:03:30,520 Then we go bananas, go, go bananas. 34 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:43,360 Two for one with a flyer, great live comedy. 35 00:03:44,319 --> 00:03:47,199 Great live comedy tonight, two for one with a flyer. 36 00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,439 We've got a great live comedy show. 37 00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,719 Hey. Uh, hi. Are you the manager here ? 38 00:03:54,039 --> 00:03:56,560 No. Hi, great live comedy. We've got a great... 39 00:03:56,639 --> 00:03:59,599 You're looking for Jason. He won't be here for a little bit. 40 00:03:59,680 --> 00:04:00,840 Oh, okay. Um... 41 00:04:00,919 --> 00:04:03,319 Great live comedy. Do you have a complaint or something ? 42 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:05,080 No. I'm Ali. I'm a comedian, 43 00:04:05,159 --> 00:04:08,240 and I was just gonna see if there's a chance I could do a short set. 44 00:04:08,319 --> 00:04:09,639 I'm trying to make this tape. 45 00:04:09,719 --> 00:04:11,439 Oh, my name is Pete. I'm actually a comedian. 46 00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,120 - Oh, cool. - I'm on the show too. 47 00:04:13,199 --> 00:04:16,199 I mean not that you're on the show. You want to be on the show. 48 00:04:16,279 --> 00:04:17,879 I would love to. That would be amazing. 49 00:04:17,959 --> 00:04:20,399 I just work the door when Jason's running late. 50 00:04:20,480 --> 00:04:23,959 I don't really run the club. I just do it for stage time. 51 00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:27,079 Cool. And you don't have to like bark on a corner and... 52 00:04:27,439 --> 00:04:30,319 - Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is... - Home base. 53 00:04:30,399 --> 00:04:32,920 Great live comedy, guys. Great live comedy. 54 00:04:33,000 --> 00:04:35,920 Uh, well, you know, it's kinda slow, but I... 55 00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:40,759 Yeah. That's why... if it's slow and you could just squeeze me in, 56 00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,000 that would be so awesome. So... 57 00:04:44,839 --> 00:04:47,560 - Let's see. I'll see what I can do. - Okay. 58 00:04:48,160 --> 00:04:52,319 Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Bringing up the next comic for you guys. 59 00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:55,879 A very funny lady, I hope you guys enjoy her. 60 00:04:55,959 --> 00:04:59,879 Guys, put your hands together for Ali Riesen. Yeah. 61 00:05:02,879 --> 00:05:04,879 Thank you so much. 62 00:05:06,519 --> 00:05:08,240 I have some really exciting news. 63 00:05:08,319 --> 00:05:11,639 My boyfriend and I, we just took our relationship to the next level. 64 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,480 We broke up. Yeah. 65 00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:18,439 - Hey, what are you doing ? - She's making a tape for TV, I think. 66 00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:22,279 Man, we bark for five hours, and you just throw her on stage ? 67 00:05:22,360 --> 00:05:23,600 She's not even past here. 68 00:05:23,680 --> 00:05:26,800 This guy, he worked out so much, and he bulked up so much 69 00:05:26,879 --> 00:05:29,120 to the point where he just like lost his neck, 70 00:05:29,199 --> 00:05:31,680 and he like grunted to communicate with me. 71 00:05:31,759 --> 00:05:32,839 He'd just be like, uh, 72 00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,839 and I had to deal with him like I was dealing with Lassie. 73 00:05:34,920 --> 00:05:37,720 I'd be like, "What is it, boy," you know, and he'd be like... 74 00:05:39,199 --> 00:05:41,920 I'm like, "Oh, no, it was a hard leg day at the gym ?" 75 00:05:42,600 --> 00:05:45,639 I was actually writing a very similar joke to that. 76 00:05:46,560 --> 00:05:48,680 "Oh, no, your trainer fell in a well ?" 77 00:05:56,519 --> 00:05:58,360 - Hey. - Hey. 78 00:05:58,439 --> 00:06:00,439 That was great. Did you get your tape ? 79 00:06:00,920 --> 00:06:03,680 Oh, uh, no. No, no, no. I hate this place. Sorry. 80 00:06:03,759 --> 00:06:07,519 - It's like a haunted ski lodge. - Yeah, there's a vibe. 81 00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:09,319 I feel like in that room 82 00:06:09,399 --> 00:06:12,399 it's like you're doing comedy for the people you're making fun of. 83 00:06:12,480 --> 00:06:13,560 - Yes. - Yeah. 84 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:15,600 You're up there and like, I'm talking about you. 85 00:06:15,680 --> 00:06:18,120 - Yeah, exactly. - My examples are you. 86 00:06:18,199 --> 00:06:23,360 Are you. Yes. You don't see the irony on me performing for you. 87 00:06:23,439 --> 00:06:25,920 - That makes me feel a lot less alone. - Yes. 88 00:06:26,000 --> 00:06:27,439 You should come back. 89 00:06:27,519 --> 00:06:30,480 Any time youlike. I'm here every night of the week. 90 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:33,040 You ever see me out front, we can throw you up. 91 00:06:33,120 --> 00:06:34,959 I think they'd be lucky to have you. 92 00:06:35,040 --> 00:06:36,160 - Thanks. - Yeah. 93 00:06:36,240 --> 00:06:37,959 Petey, how did we look, Pete ? 94 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,879 Oh, what's up, man ? This is, uh, Ali. Ali just went up. She's... 95 00:06:40,959 --> 00:06:44,639 - Hi, Ali. Pete, how did we look ? - You know, it's like about half maybe. 96 00:06:44,720 --> 00:06:46,720 What did we talk about earlier ? 97 00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,040 Well, you said I could work the door until you got there, so. 98 00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:50,639 - Until I got here. - Yeah. 'Till... 99 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,079 What, am I a fucking apparition ? 100 00:06:53,160 --> 00:06:56,759 Flyers, hand, corner. McDougal Street, West 3rd. 101 00:06:57,199 --> 00:06:59,920 - Come on, sweet cheeks. - Okay. All right. Nice meeting you ! 102 00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:04,800 - Hey. - So nice to meet you. 103 00:07:04,879 --> 00:07:07,759 - Hey, wait a second. Hey, hey. - Yeah. 104 00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:16,959 Where, you know, I mean, I think women are funny. 105 00:07:18,360 --> 00:07:23,439 Okay. Uh, cool. Just make sure to tell your friends. Spread the word. 106 00:07:26,439 --> 00:07:29,839 Fucking... I... I... What am I doing wrong ? 107 00:07:30,720 --> 00:07:32,199 People make fun of me because I'm gullible. 108 00:07:32,279 --> 00:07:34,519 Anybody here gullible ? Not a trap. Not a trap. 109 00:07:34,600 --> 00:07:38,560 Yeah. Yeah. Good people. Honest people. 110 00:07:38,639 --> 00:07:41,319 I don't understand why we're the butt of the joke, gullible people. 111 00:07:41,399 --> 00:07:44,439 People tease me, "You're so gullible." "Pete's gullible." 112 00:07:44,519 --> 00:07:48,399 Doesn't that just mean I'm an open-hearted, kind person ? 113 00:07:48,759 --> 00:07:54,399 You lie to me, I believe you, I'm the asshole ? 114 00:07:58,560 --> 00:08:01,680 Thanks, guys. Thanks very much. Have a good night. I'm Pete Holmes. 115 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:16,240 I saw of group of cops on horses. How fucking ridiculous. 116 00:08:16,319 --> 00:08:18,519 Why do they have jobs ? 117 00:08:20,279 --> 00:08:22,480 Do they do the real cop stuff ? 118 00:08:23,000 --> 00:08:25,759 Because every time I see them, they're like... 119 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:31,959 Sure, I'll take a picture. 120 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,399 ...times. 121 00:08:38,480 --> 00:08:42,080 Look, if I stole your wallet and then ran would they be like, hyah ! 122 00:08:43,799 --> 00:08:46,039 Jumping over stuff. 123 00:08:46,759 --> 00:08:50,600 And they can't arrest you because there's no room. 124 00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:56,720 Yeah. They're not gonna be like, "You're under arrest. Get on." 125 00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:01,039 Hey, man. You can't stand here. 126 00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:04,840 I'm... I'm Pete. I'm a comedian. 127 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:07,440 - Wait, you're Pete Holmes ? - Yeah. 128 00:09:07,519 --> 00:09:09,320 - I've seen you before, man. - Really ? 129 00:09:09,399 --> 00:09:12,639 You did that set about your wife fucking another guy, right ? 130 00:09:13,480 --> 00:09:17,399 - Yeah. Yeah, that was me. - I would keep that shit to myself, man. 131 00:09:17,480 --> 00:09:21,440 Yeah. I know now, and I'm not proud of that set either. I regret it. 132 00:09:21,519 --> 00:09:26,120 Sorry, man. We all have our problems. I can't make my wife have an orgasm. 133 00:09:27,399 --> 00:09:31,519 - I hope you figure that out. - Thank you. Appreciate that. 134 00:09:32,960 --> 00:09:35,519 - You still can't stand here. - Okay. 135 00:09:37,480 --> 00:09:42,679 And were at the Friars, and Jerry Lewis is sitting at a table there, 136 00:09:42,759 --> 00:09:44,240 and I go to his manager 137 00:09:44,320 --> 00:09:47,279 and I take out my phone, and I say, "Would he mind ?" 138 00:09:47,360 --> 00:09:52,799 And he goes, "Jerry hates those. He hates... don't try to do it." 139 00:09:52,879 --> 00:09:55,639 And so I say hello to Lewis, and I say, 140 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:59,120 "I guess you wouldn't like me to take a picture of you with..." 141 00:09:59,200 --> 00:10:04,519 and he goes, "I will punch you in your fucking face." 142 00:10:05,279 --> 00:10:08,320 He thought, uh, you were talking about a hand job ? 143 00:10:08,679 --> 00:10:10,679 I hate to say it, but I've heard the same story, 144 00:10:10,759 --> 00:10:12,519 but it was Sheri Lewis. 145 00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:15,679 It wasn't at that Friar's Club, it was at a bus station coming to Cleveland. 146 00:10:15,759 --> 00:10:18,120 - It was Daniel Day Lewis. - Oh, well, there you go. 147 00:10:18,200 --> 00:10:21,759 - Oh, yeah. Yeah. - Lewis and Clark, I like a... 148 00:10:24,399 --> 00:10:26,840 Uh, oh, excuse me. I think they introduced me. 149 00:10:27,279 --> 00:10:29,440 - Lewis Carroll. - All right, see you, man. 150 00:10:30,799 --> 00:10:33,120 Gilbert Godfried. Is he going up ? 151 00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,399 Why don't you tell him your favourite movie is "Problem child" ? 152 00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,120 - People say I look like John Ritter. - Yeah, if he had a daughter. 153 00:10:41,679 --> 00:10:42,679 I guess. 154 00:10:42,759 --> 00:10:44,519 Hey, are we going to The Hole for your birthday, or what, Dan ? 155 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:47,320 - Yeah, that's the plan. - Yeah, it's Dan special day. 156 00:10:47,399 --> 00:10:51,240 He woke up in a trunk covered with stickers from different cities. 157 00:10:51,639 --> 00:10:53,840 Are you trying to say I look like a ventriloquist dummy ? 158 00:10:53,919 --> 00:10:55,440 Yes, I am. 159 00:10:55,519 --> 00:10:57,639 Well, keep with the insults and I'll never bang. 160 00:10:57,720 --> 00:10:59,759 - What's The Hole ? - Burlesque joint. 161 00:10:59,840 --> 00:11:03,360 It's guys on stage. One little guy with big, big one. 162 00:11:03,440 --> 00:11:06,799 A giant guy with a really small Tic-Tac dick. 163 00:11:07,759 --> 00:11:11,440 All you gotta bring is an umbrella and a towel, and you're good. 164 00:11:11,519 --> 00:11:13,639 What do you mean bring an umbrella... He ain't going ? 165 00:11:13,720 --> 00:11:16,240 - What ? - Well, it's my birthday, my rules. 166 00:11:16,559 --> 00:11:18,360 I got nothing against him, but I don't know the guy. 167 00:11:18,440 --> 00:11:20,440 I want to be surrounded by people I like and Dave. 168 00:11:20,519 --> 00:11:22,320 Come on, man. Let him go and stop your yakking. 169 00:11:22,399 --> 00:11:24,639 - I'm allowed to pick. - You know what ? You're not coming. 170 00:11:24,720 --> 00:11:27,120 It's settled. You're a man of God, you cannot come to this. 171 00:11:27,200 --> 00:11:29,240 I mean, first of all, I couldn't get an erection next to this guy, 172 00:11:29,320 --> 00:11:30,360 it'd be too weird. 173 00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,080 See ? Me and Artie are on the same page. 174 00:11:32,159 --> 00:11:33,799 Hey, guys, somebody's got to put their foot down. 175 00:11:33,879 --> 00:11:36,000 I'll stay here and pray for you. 176 00:11:37,080 --> 00:11:38,759 Okay, to the Hole. 177 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,519 Sorry. 178 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:53,159 - Is this empty ? - Yeah, no... Please. 179 00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,600 - Those people are done with these. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 180 00:11:56,679 --> 00:11:58,360 Unless you want some whiskey. 181 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,399 - Oh, no. I don't drink. Never have. - I'm not. 182 00:12:01,480 --> 00:12:03,559 - You don't drink ? - No, not really. 183 00:12:03,639 --> 00:12:06,279 Are you a totaler or you just don't drink often ? 184 00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,600 I was raised not to really partake too much. 185 00:12:09,679 --> 00:12:10,679 - Me too. - Really ? 186 00:12:10,759 --> 00:12:12,200 - My parents never did. - Protestant ? 187 00:12:12,279 --> 00:12:15,559 - Yeah. I mean, when I was a child, yes. - Well... 188 00:12:15,639 --> 00:12:19,039 - My name is Penn. Penn Jillette. - I know. You're a wonderful magician. 189 00:12:19,120 --> 00:12:21,480 - Well, thank you. - I love magic. I really do. 190 00:12:21,559 --> 00:12:23,159 Well, and I was hoping you'd say your name. 191 00:12:23,240 --> 00:12:24,799 - Sorry. It's Pete. - Pete. Hello, Pete. 192 00:12:24,879 --> 00:12:29,320 Peter. But you're a, you're a big atheist now, right ? I mean... 193 00:12:29,720 --> 00:12:33,480 Yeah. I have been for a long time. I guess my whole adult life. 194 00:12:33,559 --> 00:12:35,480 - I stuck with it I guess. - Oh, did you ? 195 00:12:35,559 --> 00:12:39,720 Jesus is still my copilot. He's great. He doesn't drink either. 196 00:12:39,799 --> 00:12:41,120 - Oh, really ? - Very smooth flight. 197 00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:45,639 - I thought there was the wine thing, - Ah, you know, it was one miracle. 198 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,799 The rest of the time he was pretty dry. 199 00:12:47,879 --> 00:12:49,559 - You really do believe ? - Yeah. 200 00:12:49,639 --> 00:12:51,799 - In Christian God ? - Yeah, all three. 201 00:12:51,879 --> 00:12:54,519 Now, I don't want to be dismissive, but you actually believe 202 00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:58,360 that there's a being that cares about, forgive me, but your masturbation ? 203 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:00,279 - Cares about everything you do ? - Yeah. You know... 204 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,240 And you don't have any gnawing doubts about that ? 205 00:13:02,320 --> 00:13:03,840 You don't think that maybe 206 00:13:03,919 --> 00:13:06,039 you're letting things slide by you that could be more beautiful ? 207 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,120 - Like what ? - Like life. 208 00:13:09,399 --> 00:13:11,759 So you don't believe in something watching us, 209 00:13:11,840 --> 00:13:13,960 something keeping all of this going ? 210 00:13:14,039 --> 00:13:17,440 I'm not sure there's no God, but I don't know. 211 00:13:17,519 --> 00:13:20,480 The most important revolution in human history, 212 00:13:20,559 --> 00:13:23,320 more important than agriculture, more important than writing, 213 00:13:23,399 --> 00:13:29,720 is the scientific revolution came down to three words, I don't know. 214 00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:35,000 And no institution, no church, no king, no power structure 215 00:13:35,080 --> 00:13:39,159 had ever said in history I don't know. 216 00:13:39,240 --> 00:13:42,759 - I just... what if you're wrong ? - What if you're wrong ? 217 00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:46,360 What if I'm wrong ? I mean, either way, I'm good. You're right. 218 00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,679 No, no, that's not true. 219 00:13:47,759 --> 00:13:51,080 I mean that's the problem with Pascal's Wager is there's more than one choice. 220 00:13:51,159 --> 00:13:54,879 You could spend your whole life praying your ass off to Jesus 221 00:13:54,960 --> 00:13:57,440 and then find out that it's actually Zeus 222 00:13:57,519 --> 00:13:59,200 and he doesn't like you praying to Jesus. 223 00:13:59,279 --> 00:14:02,879 Well, I'm enjoying the certainty I get from... 224 00:14:02,960 --> 00:14:04,440 - You don't have certainty. - I do. 225 00:14:04,519 --> 00:14:06,480 - No, you don't. - I do. 226 00:14:06,559 --> 00:14:09,159 You can't get certainty just by willpower. 227 00:14:09,240 --> 00:14:11,120 You can't force yourself to believe things 228 00:14:11,200 --> 00:14:12,360 that you don't have evidence for. 229 00:14:12,440 --> 00:14:15,679 You just can't do it. You can't force certainty. 230 00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:19,519 Yeah. But this is all I have. I mean, I can't, this is how I was raised. 231 00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:22,799 I can't just put it aside because you make some sense. 232 00:14:22,879 --> 00:14:26,720 I mean, it's hard for me to admit that you're making some sense. 233 00:14:26,799 --> 00:14:29,960 Yeah. I dig that. It's hard to change. It's really hard. 234 00:14:30,039 --> 00:14:34,559 It's hard for someone my age to admit that the Beatles weren't that good. 235 00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:48,519 - What's up, Vince ? - Hey. 236 00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:51,679 - Do you know Penn Jillette ? - Yeah. He's in there, right ? 237 00:14:51,759 --> 00:14:55,960 The magician ? I once saw him make a whole plate of nachos disappear. 238 00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:03,080 I just thought everything was one thing, 239 00:15:03,720 --> 00:15:05,639 but it turns out it might be nothing. 240 00:15:05,720 --> 00:15:08,320 - Everything is nothing ? - Yeah. Everything... 241 00:15:08,399 --> 00:15:12,480 That's not cool. How could everything be nothing ? 242 00:15:12,559 --> 00:15:15,559 - Because we are... - It's everything. 243 00:15:15,639 --> 00:15:18,320 - But do you know ? - About everything ? 244 00:15:18,399 --> 00:15:21,360 What if it was Zeus ? What if it was this one and now he's mad 245 00:15:21,440 --> 00:15:24,080 and now you die and chances are... 246 00:15:24,159 --> 00:15:26,840 - Who's Zeus ? - That's my point. Who's God ? 247 00:15:26,919 --> 00:15:29,440 - Who is God ? Do you know ? - Zeus ? 248 00:15:29,519 --> 00:15:34,120 What if you've been praying to Jesus, and it was Zeus ? 249 00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,039 Je-Zeus. 250 00:16:15,039 --> 00:16:18,480 Hi. I'm here for Dan's birthday. 251 00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:25,960 Uh, the comedians, a bunch of guys that don't look like they belong here. 252 00:16:31,080 --> 00:16:32,240 Thanks. 253 00:16:49,559 --> 00:16:52,240 Hey ! You found us, man. 254 00:16:52,759 --> 00:16:56,559 This is like the second matrix. In Zion. 255 00:16:56,879 --> 00:17:01,279 You should... your act, you're funnier. I ordered water. 256 00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:04,680 Oh, these from a gentleman at the bar. I think he's a fan of you, guys. 257 00:17:04,759 --> 00:17:06,759 Oh, really ? Pete, can you help us out ? 258 00:17:06,839 --> 00:17:09,839 - Yeah. I could use a drink. - Yeah. Cheers ! 259 00:17:12,039 --> 00:17:14,160 Oh, dude, taht's a stripper. 260 00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:18,839 - Let me in. - Oh, you're sitting down now ? 261 00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,599 Oh, no ! 262 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,880 - If you take every major religion... - Oh, here we go. 263 00:17:25,960 --> 00:17:29,000 And you mix them together, they all say the same thing. 264 00:17:29,079 --> 00:17:30,880 I'm getting lectured by... 265 00:17:30,960 --> 00:17:33,720 What do you think happens when you die ? You're gonna die. 266 00:17:33,799 --> 00:17:36,119 I don't know, man. I just try not to think about it. 267 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:41,079 What is everything is a better question. You know it's bigger. 268 00:17:41,160 --> 00:17:43,960 Please stop with this shit. Let's just watch this woman 269 00:17:44,039 --> 00:17:48,440 scratch her nose with her clit, because that wondrous. 270 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:56,319 - Are you married ? - No, no, no. 271 00:17:56,400 --> 00:17:58,720 I'm clinging to the past. 272 00:17:59,079 --> 00:18:01,039 You know, you're right. It's fucking weird. 273 00:18:01,119 --> 00:18:02,839 - Fuck that thing. - Yeah ! 274 00:18:31,680 --> 00:18:34,279 This is the part of the night, you know, me and Artie... 275 00:18:34,359 --> 00:18:35,880 - Yeah ! - This is where it happens. 276 00:18:35,960 --> 00:18:38,480 - We start looking for chicks. - Yeah. 277 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:43,200 I have to get early tomorrow to sell umbrellas in front of Penn Station... 278 00:18:43,640 --> 00:18:45,039 Actually, if you guys are free later, 279 00:18:45,119 --> 00:18:47,440 I teach a 4:00 A.M. spin class at the Crunch on Lafayette. 280 00:18:47,519 --> 00:18:50,240 Let's go. Give it up for my buddy Artie Lange, everybody. 281 00:18:50,319 --> 00:18:52,519 Yeah. Did you have a good time ? 282 00:18:54,160 --> 00:18:55,400 Artie, I know you can't stay. 283 00:18:55,480 --> 00:19:00,799 You have an episode of "Storage Wars" to shoot, but I love the look though. 284 00:19:01,519 --> 00:19:04,759 You look like a scalper for every band I didn't see in the '80s. 285 00:19:05,400 --> 00:19:08,720 Dude, if you're not on the lineup, you can't be down here, man. 286 00:19:09,279 --> 00:19:11,319 I'm not in anybody's way, I just... 287 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,079 Listen, I don't make the rules man, I just enforce them. 288 00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,519 Oh, wait, hold on a second. Hey, is that Pete ? Hey ! 289 00:19:15,599 --> 00:19:16,839 - Yeah, that's Pete. - There he is. 290 00:19:16,920 --> 00:19:19,119 Pete, come up here, man. Come on. 291 00:19:19,200 --> 00:19:21,160 - I'm sorry. - Pete Holmes, everybody. 292 00:19:23,000 --> 00:19:24,559 Thanks to The Hole. 293 00:19:26,119 --> 00:19:28,720 Oh, great. Nice. 294 00:19:29,759 --> 00:19:32,359 - Oh, easy. - ...you're having fun. 295 00:19:32,440 --> 00:19:34,319 So Pete, how's the comedy scene treating you here in New York ? 296 00:19:34,400 --> 00:19:36,640 Well, you know, I handout flyers for stage time. 297 00:19:36,720 --> 00:19:38,799 I don't know if you guys saw any of those out there. 298 00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:40,759 That's on me. I do that. 299 00:19:40,839 --> 00:19:42,599 - You're handing out flyers. - I hand out flyers. 300 00:19:42,680 --> 00:19:45,200 Have you heard of the Internet ? 301 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:50,200 Are you gonna sent out a telegraph about your first hour or no ? 302 00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:53,279 I like this drunk Pete. I like him. 303 00:19:53,359 --> 00:19:55,119 - It's a lot... you're fun. - Yeah. 304 00:19:55,519 --> 00:19:56,960 Artie, if you're not wearing your Fitbi, 305 00:19:57,039 --> 00:20:00,079 how do you know if you get your step today ? 306 00:20:00,799 --> 00:20:03,319 That's gonna hurt in the morning. 307 00:20:03,759 --> 00:20:05,960 - How do I get my step ? - This is great. 308 00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,079 - I don't like being mean. - No, be mean. 309 00:20:09,160 --> 00:20:11,319 - That's all right. - I don't like being mean. 310 00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,519 Be mean by any means necessary. 311 00:20:13,599 --> 00:20:17,119 How did you get here ? Did you slip a 50 to the TSA ? 312 00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:20,880 - Take it easy. Easy. - What ? Sorry dude. 313 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,440 Hold on a second, let me see your mic. 314 00:20:24,279 --> 00:20:27,599 Okay, I just had to turn it to funny. Go ahead. 315 00:20:33,640 --> 00:20:36,319 - That was great. - Hey, thank you. 316 00:20:44,359 --> 00:20:45,920 Ali. 317 00:20:47,519 --> 00:20:51,519 Door guy. Do you bark here too, or... 318 00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:54,200 Uh, no. I was just on stage. 319 00:20:54,279 --> 00:20:56,319 I saw you up there. I didn't get to go on 320 00:20:56,400 --> 00:21:00,000 'cause you guys were dicking around for like 20 minutes. So... 321 00:21:00,079 --> 00:21:02,480 - Sorry. - It's all right. 322 00:21:04,039 --> 00:21:06,559 - You're really funny. - Thank you. 323 00:21:06,640 --> 00:21:09,680 Really, like, I'm not just saying that. Like, when I saw your set, 324 00:21:09,759 --> 00:21:13,559 I was like what happened ? What happened to you ? 325 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:17,279 It doesn't make any sense because you're really beautiful 326 00:21:17,359 --> 00:21:18,559 and you're really funny, 327 00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:20,759 and that doesn't... you're like not comedy hot, 328 00:21:20,839 --> 00:21:23,279 you're regular, you're lady hot. 329 00:21:23,359 --> 00:21:26,160 You're like Barney's department store hot. 330 00:21:26,839 --> 00:21:31,960 And then you're funny. Fuck you, man. What ? 331 00:21:32,039 --> 00:21:35,039 - You're so shitfaced. - A little bit. 332 00:21:35,119 --> 00:21:37,680 Yeah. Completely gone. 333 00:21:38,400 --> 00:21:42,359 Yeah. I think you... I think you should take me home. 334 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:45,920 What ? 335 00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:47,480 I think you should take me home with you, 336 00:21:47,559 --> 00:21:48,759 Why would I do that ? 337 00:21:48,839 --> 00:21:51,720 Because I'm... You really want a reason ? 338 00:21:51,799 --> 00:21:56,160 I mean, this is fate. I saw you and now I'm seeing you again. 339 00:21:56,240 --> 00:22:00,079 I mean, what are the chances that we're all alive ? 340 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,240 With sunsets and babies 341 00:22:02,319 --> 00:22:05,839 and there's gotta me more than just Chinese food 342 00:22:05,920 --> 00:22:09,240 and Coldstone Creamery and sleeping in the garage. 343 00:22:09,319 --> 00:22:13,160 You know what I'm saying ? Is there something later ? 344 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:15,319 Perhaps. Maybe not. 345 00:22:15,400 --> 00:22:18,960 But there is something that we can do today. 346 00:22:19,039 --> 00:22:22,000 And we can be kind, and we can be lovely, 347 00:22:22,799 --> 00:22:26,839 and we can be sexual and sensual. 348 00:22:27,799 --> 00:22:30,559 Sorry. Are you just doing a Russell Brand bit ? 349 00:22:30,640 --> 00:22:33,440 Russell Brand has valid points. 350 00:22:37,599 --> 00:22:40,519 Ok, you can buy me a drink. 351 00:22:42,200 --> 00:22:44,240 I'll buy you a drink. 352 00:23:47,799 --> 00:23:49,240 - Wait, wait, wait. - What ? What ? 353 00:23:49,319 --> 00:23:53,279 Before the main event, I just want to make sure that you want... 354 00:23:53,359 --> 00:23:55,240 You want to do this. 355 00:23:55,319 --> 00:23:56,759 All signs point to yes. 356 00:23:56,839 --> 00:24:00,039 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just... I really just... 357 00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:26,559 End of episode 1